vol VII: Notes
1982
[notebook: DREAMING DB1]
[page 38]
Sunday 21 March 1982
Dream
Going to Sydney with A in a semi trailer (low loader) with a car trailer on behind. Vehicle old but felt confident that we would make it because engine good. Stopped for some reason, and pointed out that we were overlength and should put trailer on top of semi. Arrived Syd and seemed to be wandering round back streets of (Newtown) trying to sell an old neon sign. Came to the factory where sign was made, but all closed. In truck, on way, A had asked me quietly and confidentially whether I wanted to go to see something (guru?) that was in town for only three days. I replied in a generally negative way with some comment about the three days.
While we were looking to sell sign came across a streetside rubbish tin (donations to Vinneys receptacle) full of socks, neatly folded and clean. I spent some time going through it and came away with about ten pairs. Then found self in a house, terrace, somewhat decrepit, other peole, comment about socks.
The purpose of our trip to Sydney, setting out with car trailer, had been to buy me a new car.
Obviously related to trouble with the mini brakes and my general feeling of poverty, driving substandard vehicles etc. I talk a lot about such vehicles as it something I have in common with
[page 39]
people around here including A. Discussion of guru?May refer to Lindsay Kemp and various trips to Sydney to see Flowers and Dream. Reference also to my proposed (and abandoned) trip to Sydney today. Old, good engine = mini. Why semi? Overlength = fear of police who might defect the whole operation. Neon sign seemed very familiar, and was pleased to find place where it was made (Erskineville?) Semi - hitchhiking/neon - new letterbox for mill/ Wandering streets - no purpose in Sydney - same with guru? Confidentially - A and I have never talked of personal matters - he was sounding me out - was he interested in meditation or somesuch? Socks? My feet have some painful spots at themoment, and I probably should wear shoes and socks more - looking at waste/Vinney's bin. The whole dream in a way points to a wish to escape from poverty, perhaps by going to Sydney.
Dope and the unlayering of the mind. Separates images from their nuances. Releases subconscious from its censor. Suppressed ideas come to the surface. For me it is like a truth drug, bringing to the surface things I know I agree with and wish to suppress. People I love, for instance, what I really feel but was afraid to acknowledge - like (on the way to UNE) that my thesis was bullshit, my life a lie, an excuse to avoid my own creative power. Under theinfluence of THC I felt with strength and desire my 'mission' in life as scientist, communicator, prophet of the new world, things I do not want to admit to myself (because of the changes in status quo they imply). Today I felt a naked, straightforward powerful desire for Q, to unite my life with hers in a straightforward dive for truth, love, solid energy, like the slap of firm muscular flesh, the banging of wrestlebound stomachs in intercourse, but at the back of mymind a sudden rush forward in our concept of reality, reminiscent Einstein, Bohn Heisenberg and others. I felt she walked in and I said You've been throwing the Ching and she said Why? (incredulous). To decide whether to move in with me. We kiss, melting blissfully into one mind, one flesh. Stoned, look tomorrow to see if Iwould write this straight. Stoned is a reality, a philosophy, perhaps an advance, perhaps a retreat in consciousness. The human mind can change its ideas, it can change its ideas about ideas, its group neuroses (cf change between now and Freud), it can change its basic response and approach to reality as witness the difference between E4 BC and now, Ideas are not, in aggregate, to be distinguished from the nature of mind. Nature and content are one. As I write I wait for her. Will it happen today, ever? Nothing so radical as a change of metaphysics. The west has been in the same groove for a long time. Once I nearly
[page 41]
told Q how much I loved her when I was stoned. Was that real. That's why I felt I wanted to screw her. It was love though. . . . The Universe of communication, stoned, psychedelic. A short novel about him, a flash to change the world, observe gospel, binary digit - the universal paradigm of brutalisation of nature, circumcision, ringbarking, education, they impose the order, kill the creativity that might unseat them, put them in themaelstrom. Eros rising, an energy, a desire, talk to Q about this. You release such energy in me, incite desire, ignite the power of action, creation, submergence in the smooth muscular firm brown flesh of reality. To suck in the warm fluid juices of pure reality, fleshmade intelligence, every little goose bump and hair to kiss infinitely into flashing orgasm. The blast of union that is the primordial pleasure, from quark to galaxy. That photon of joy as the electron moves closer to its nucleus. . . . .
[page 42]
Monday 22 March 1982
. . .
Dreams
With Q in some sort of church. Seats arranged in tiers and we in back corner where wecould not see altar or whatever. Much flirting and playing around. Seemed to be in clothing store, near side door playing dressups. A party, many people, talking. In the end all gone and left with Q. Said something like 'that was good'.
Seems to be overtones of marriage, familiar togethernbess - that is the wish. Tiered church - courtroom, livestock saleyard, squash courts. Hiding - as a child crawled under pens - back to childlike happiness. Touching games, like children under stairs etc. S in old settees at Jens Hotel, D in his bedroom. Clothing store - old pantry/linen room at Ferrers St. Dressups refer to her nice clothes.
